Growing up and hating my reflection...
Beauty is something that I have spent my entire life questioning. Growing up, I had always been insecure about myself. I used to hate looking at mirrors because I disliked looking at my reflection. It actually wasn't until recent years until I felt content with my reflection. Why did I loathe my reflection so much? It's me. Not a stranger, not a nightmare; it was just me. What is to be afraid of? Today I see a confident young lady staring back me and shes actually smiling. Where as years ago; I saw a sad girl staring back at me.
I had always been short all my life. Even in school; I was always the shortest girl in the class and for that reason; I always felt small and vulnerable. In Northern Ireland, there aren't much asians so I was one of the few chinese children from my primary school. But even when I was 5 years old, I remember a boy pointing at me calling me ugly because I'm chinese.I remember actually praying to God at 5 years old, I prayed that he will make me caucasian just like the other kids in my school so I won't feel so left out.
Insecurity
Then I hit 12 years old and entered High School and it was another self esteem chapter in my life. My skin somewhat started to break out all over my face. This isn't just pimples, they were painful cysts that spread across my entire face. I used to stare at the mirror and cry because my face horrified me. I constantly washed my face with all types of treatment, I got obsessed with things not allowed to touch my face and I didn't know that all I did was aggrevating my skin even more. My stress just triggered my hormones giving me even more spots. I turned to Makeup hoping it will cover up my acne. Nonetheless; even though makeup did make me feel prettier, my self esteem was still super low.
I was constantly compared to my cousins for not being pretty enough, tall enough, smart enough, everything that you can think of under the sun. I also remember being judged for wearing makeup because it made me look 'fake'. So I have to admit that I grew addicted to makeup at 15 years old, I didn't know how to apply it and I always went for full coverage. I was an insecure girl underneath my makeup.
Feeling beautiful for the first time
I met my boyfriend at 17 years old and from that moment we fell for each other, I really believed that I AM beautiful. I asked him why he thought I was beautiful when I knew I clearly wasn't and he told me because I am. He said I am kind, caring and down to earth and most of all, I'm not afraid to make a fool out of myself. He certainly admitted that he wasn't attracted to me physically. When we started dating, I wore glasses, suffered severe acne, braces and wore alot of makeup. Infact when people compare how I look now to how I used to look; they would say the pictures looks like 2 different people. But from day 1 he knew me to now; I am just the same Lindi to him.
I actually stopped wearing makeup for about 1 year and half because I truly thought that makeup is 'wrong'. I believed when people told me that makeup is 'fake'. I have to admit in that period of time, I felt good about not wearing foundation. It took alot of courage for me to strip all the coverage off my face but in that space I also learned to really 'love' what I'm given. I used to focus on my 'bad' points such as my skin, my flat nose, my height, my chubby legs and my weight (even though there is nothing wrong with my weight). I felt I wasn't good enough. I really got to love myself again and I got back into makeup again. Not because I felt like I needed it (which is still okay if one does) but because I enjoyed it. I adored collecting different colours and working different looks. It was as if I'm painting except it's not on a canvas but on a face. I admit I look better with makeup, but I know it doesn't make me beautiful.
I'm saddened to admit that acne played a huge impact on my teenage years. I wish it didn't affect me so much but it did. Looking back, I know I was just niave. It's true that as you get older, you get wiser because if it wasn't the experiences that I went through; I would never have become the person I am today.
My skin eventually cleared because I realised what worked best for my skin (Gentle cleansing regime, MOISTURISING, chilling out and NOT stressing about my skin, diet & lifestyle), my braces came off, I started to wear contact lenses. My face narrowed as I grew out of my childlike features. I looked in the reflection and even though I can see the person looks different physically, I knew the girl inside is just the same. I had always been beautiful but I failed to realise that. I felt slightly disappointed that I was afraid of my reflection in the past and I made a promise to myself that I will NEVER ever be ungrateful for what I'm given. How I looked in the past and now actually had nothing to do with me being beautiful or not at all.
Biggest self esteem hit
Until today, when I think about this situation it kind of still haunts me a little. But in my first year of University; a 'friend' of mine secretly made a hate site of me. Thing that hurt most of that she actually denied it. This person tried to spread this website telling people that I'm ugly and fake. I tried to be strong about it and I actually did hit back. Why did she deny it? I thought she is a friend. She succeeded me make me feel ugly and worthless and at the same time; I have to thank her because if it wasn't for her, I wouldn't have realised how to give a piece of flying crap when somebody that doesn't even know you disses you. This person probably already knows she revealed her ugly side by choosing to be bitter. I certainly know I revealed my ugly side by hitting back and trying to hurt her back emotionally. I was trying to protect myself but now looking back, I wasn't even protecting myself. I was harming myself by responding to her. I loathed the feeling of 'hatred', it strained my heart. Anger, hate and bitterness is a horrible feeling to endure and I gave myself all of this. She did end up apologising to me in the end which I really appreciate and till today we don't actually speak. I said I forgiven her but I know deep inside I will never forget what she did. I'm only human afterall right?
Loving yourself
So now when I get messages from all the young girls across the World going through the EXACT same thing as I did. It breaks my heart because I actually really understand how it feels to let acne taken over your life. But at the same time, I want you all to not let acne rule your life. Focus on your good features like your eyes, smile, hair and personality. It's the flaws that make you beautiful and unique.
We will always be judged in life, its natural. Most of all, we will judge aswell whether its subconsciously or consciously. But never let it stop you from living your life to the max. We certainly all have the ability to reveal a beautiful side and also an ugly side. I know I'm certainly not perfect physically or mentally. But I'm human and all I can do is just keep working on making myself a better person. Would I let negative opinions affect me from people that don't know me? Heck no I won't. Even though I live my life trying to please everyone; the person that I should please most if myself. I have battled my entire life (just like the rest of you guys) accepting myself and it takes much more than a judgemental words to put me down. I realised makeup actually had nothing to do with true beauty. It's all about being confident. When you are confident, you will be happy and when you are happy- it will just shine through.
We all have our own story on Beauty. It takes years to be fully content and comfortable in your own skin. I have finally found my sense of self and its definitely thanks to everything that ever happened. Yes, looks does capture the attention but remember its our personality that shines and captures the heart.
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